Codependency

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I am professional counseling but even she is baffled by how to handle my situation. Are You in a Codependent Relationship?

Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. It is an excessive reliance on another person that has mental health issues and that need to be cared for. One key sign is when your sense of purpose in life wraps around making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner's needs.

Do You Have a Codependent Personality?

The term codependency has been around for almost four decades. Although it originally applied to spouses of alcoholics, first called co-alcoholics, research revealed that the characteristics of codependents were much more prevalent in the general population than had been imagined. They also found that codependent symptoms progressed in and got worse if untreated, but the good news was that they were reversible. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame. Some of the things that go along with low self-esteem are guilt feelings and perfectionism. See my blogs on and. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people. Poor Boundaries Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. They have blurry or weak boundaries between themselves and others. Learn about Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and rigid ones. You might take things personally and get easily. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. For some codependents, their self-worth is dependent upon being needed. Learn the difference between healthy care-giving and codependent Control Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people pleasing and caretaking can be used to and manipulate people. Dysfunctional communication Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Obsessions Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. Often, they try to decipher what someone else is thinking or feeling and why. This is caused by dependency on others and anxieties and fears about being rejected, due to shame. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem. Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. The same thing goes for their needs. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. See my blog on Painful emotions Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create and fear about: Being judged Being rejected or abandoned Making mistakes Being a failure Being close and feeling trapped Being alone All of the symptoms lead to feelings of , , hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb. There is help for and. The first step is getting guidance and support. These symptoms are deeply ingrained habits and difficult to identify and change on your own. Join a Twelve Step program, such as Codependents Anonymous or seek counseling. Do the exercises in my books, and and my ebooks, and to build self-esteem and become more assertive. ©Darlene Lancer, MFT 2012 Thank you for this post. They like there father. I keep on telling my therapist that I need to be reassured that my husband is the abusive one because he keeps on making me doubt myself. And what should I do? Your therapist is right, but when abuse is unambiguous, it needs to be named as such. But therapy should help you identify how you feel and that can be your guide. What feels abusive to one person might not feel bad to someone else. Tune in to your experience vs. I was worried as I found their interaction to be warm and intimate and we were having disconnect issues ourselves sometime ago. But, she insists it is better now as they talk at most every two weeks and has done her own internal work. Is this usually enough? What are the chances the codependent is naïve about their ability to deal with the situation objectively enough but not address it with the friend? Should I just let it be? I have been divorced for 14yrs now and need to get into a coda group but all I can find in my area IS ALANON. I went to three groups locally… NONE helpful. In fact, I was VERY disappointed in how all three were conducted, and what was actually covered. Specifically: a LOT of time with people venting, yet VERY little-to-no discussion on HOW TO actually heal, or even live more peacefully day-to-day. Thank you for your feedback about my books. There are more meetings and more people there with experience in working the steps and the same principles of recovery. Finally, there are many CoDA phone meetings everyday, you can find through a Google search, which may be better than those in your area. I have been told by a therapist a few years ago that I am codependent. However, I have been divorced now for 3 years and not in the relationship with my then alcoholic husband. I have not been in a relationship since, I have seen some changes in my self, but I fear that the codependent part of me is still lurking in the background. Would I be able to tell if I was codependent with my kids? I am grateful for this information. I have come to believe that not only am I codependent, but also my partner. I have been getting help from a therapist lately and finally got up the courage to call the relationship off, at least for the time being, noting how unhealthy it was. However, I have been met with-I guess you could say panic and a bit of manipulation-from my longtime partner. It has been extremely hard keep the boundary lines. I have only recently become aware of the concept of codependency through a counselling session, and I think my counsellor has hit the nail on the head. I have been in a relationship for 7 years with a chronic severely depressed person who is sometime suicidal. He has been under psychiatrist treatment for the past 5 years, but his condition appears to be resistant to all forms of medication, and even ECT. I am essentially his carer, not girlfriend, and have given up all my needs for him, including sex. I feel I have no choice but to stay in the relationship. Am learning about codependency and hope the therapy can help. I injured myself last year, it left me week, less mobil at times, yet i still function quite well in the right environment. Not complaints, not sharp remarks, but an actual conversation where you can each know the other is being heard and understood. My mother is a recovering alcoholic and codependent like me. I try to fix what is wrong with someone to make them happy but it just makes me envy them more. I also push anyone away from me who tries to get close to me. I pushed my dad away for 2 years and my best friends away. I know I want to stop but I do not know where to start any suggestion? I am only 24 and have yet to be involved in a serious relationship, however when meeting a guy, I find that I become attached very quickly and cant seem to get them off my mind even within the first week. If they are attractive and possess qualities I like, I automatically want to take it further. I get anxious when thinking they will not text me back or that I like them more then they like me. How do I go about this? I recently broke up with my now-ex girlfriend and noticed now that I have traits of codependent behavior. I noticed that this was really bad for my mental health, but she was constantly telling me how great I am and it felt good to have someone praise me, even though she kept telling me to leave her. And he is pretty great, he does everything he can to make me happy, but… i ALWAYS want more. My separated husband and I are co dependent. I asked him to leave 6 years ago for he was drinking far too much, was lying and cheating on me. I realize now he is a high functioning alcoholic. My mother was too. What is sad and what I struggle with, I still love him for his sweetness. He is an amazing father and grandfather. Very Generous of his time and money but not to me when it comes to my emotional needs. He helps me financially. I can tell he wants to be with family all the time I am around but this is where I struggle. What is right or wrong? I have a 21 year old with a history of addiction. She had been improving her life after completing in-patient treatment but refused to follow a formal program. She got a full time job with a 6am to 3pm shift her 1st FT job ever. She moved in with an older cousin. For 90 days she engaged with the family in a very positive way — better than what it was like for years. She lives out of state and we talked or texted several times per week. For 10 days she has cut off communication with me except for one word texts saying she is tired and busy and not in the mood to talk. I find myself obsessively checking her phone log. My mother was an orphan by 10 and desperately unhappy with my alcoholic father. It has now occurred to me my husband is a highly functioning alcoholic. I see Co dependancy traits in myself. I recently separated from my husband. Is there a way of going back and saving the marriage? Is there hope for me and my daughters if I do? Ive recently come to accept that i am codependent. I almost destroyed my marriage and lost my kids cause of it. I also know that there may come a time soon that it wont be good for them to be around me anymore. Thank you for this post. I realize tonight I am very codependent. Small background, my mom was enabler and now I know codependent. My dad was a a narcissist as well. He was an alcoholic who wanted the world to believe our life was perfect and through all the physical abuse my mom made it appear that way. Now I got to try a help myself from this point further. While I can surely admit to my share of issues in the dissolution of my marriage, I can say this with confidence. To be married to someone who puts their parents and what they think ahead of you, their spouse, is a very hard thing. When she comes home every single day from work on the phone to her mother. And so much more. Desperately seeking the approval and validation from her mom she so badly wants but can never get because her mom is incapable of giving it. And then to have issues where she rebels against her mom, like inability to help keep a clean home. I started dating a guy but he was not long come out of a relationship with a girl for near 10 years, I found out he had a codependency with his ex due to his verbally abusive relationship with his mother which resulted in him staying in a verbally abusive relationship with his ex therefore practically dating a mother figure which he found hard to let go of. He now knows the truth about the codependency through counselling which he will continue to seek. Will he let go of his attachment to her? Will he ever come back to me? She suffers from an eating disorder as well as social anxiety, which has been a trial of its own, but there was also a death in the family which has made it even harder. We have had our share of troubles in the relationship but I feel I cannot make a decision on anything without it being okay with her, otherwise she has a panic attack, blames herself, and we fight and both become a mess. I love her, but I am so drained and on the verge myself. You need to do some work on your codependency. Read and do the exercises in my books, go to CoDA meetings, and consider starting therapy. You need to learn to have boundaries, not take responsibility for her feelings, and to be assertive, rather than argue. At some point, you may want to insist that she get counseling. Hi There I have a couple of questions. I think I used to be very coo-dependent before but I see that alot of those patters are no longer present in my relationship as it is pretty healthy. I did have at first trouble with expressing my feelings and I can see myself being alot of the things you listed before, but I dont see them now being in a relationship with someone being independent, but those that mean I am still dependent, can someone break those patterns by being in a healthy relationship? I only just realised last night that I have become co-dependent with my partner. How a person who is prone to such behavior may be dangerous or harmful if it starts to become involved in politics? I have my personal, amateur opinion, but I am interested in your? And finally, have you thought just an idea to write a text on the subject? Best regards and thank you! I am afraid of loosing the good parts of my relationship with her but DO NOT want to continue the pattern in front of my son. I am professional counseling but even she is baffled by how to handle my situation. Would Coda be a good option? Thank you for writing. Work on growing your self-esteem, becoming autonomous and assertive. CoDA is an excellent choice. I thought I was over it but as I get older it seems that I am handling it worse. He has done everything he could to fix the situation. Everyone tells me what an amazing husband I have and he is very attentive to me and a great father. I feel as though I can never love like I can truly love because my body wont let me. I was recently told I was codependant and that blew my mind. I feel lost, scared and unsure and have no idea what my answer is. Do I stay, leave? Do I walk away from a good man after 27 years? I am 60 years old, and I finally understand. All these years I thought it was my dad, but I now realize that he was the only one, besides my grandmother, who showed me love. You would think that I would have recognized it sooner, but I was shocked to realize it. This has taken its toll on me through the years with my attachment to narcissistic people. I carried around so much shame, and my purpose in life was to get approval from others. Getting to the core of the problem has helped so much. There are so many things that are in the list that were happening when I was growing up. Imagine a victim of domestic violence being diagnosed as co-abusive or a rape victim labeled as a co-rapist. I am not codependent for having been married to an addict. I was a casualty, not a participant or supporter. Codependency usually starts in childhood, and is defined by ones own behavior. Sometimes being married to an addict can bring out our worst traits, but not always. Ignore labels, and see if you find support and coping tips in Al-Anon. Dear Darlene, I think your site might change my life. As I had known him before we were friends I thought his familiarity was due to us knowing each other. Having also come out of a long term relationship, we were both hurting but wanted to build a future together him more than me, he wanted to get married v soon etc. Naturally I became v anxious. A year on and I still cannot get over the lies and how convincing these men are and how I fell for it. So I have been googling why I attract men who will ultimately abandon me. Your book will help plus I am about to embark on therapy. I am reeling from this. But he seemed to be disgusted by me wanting to connect with him and controlling. His last ex slept in separate bedrooms. I still love him. I have been there, in love with a man who was emotionally unavailable and then the relationship ended in silence. Pure abandonment, no visit, phone call, text, nothing. Similarly it took me 2 and a half years to move on but I realize now that I am better off. And at the end of the day I love myself too much to allow anyone to cause me that much pain. I wish all the best of healing to you and anyone else going through a painful break up. It really is true that time heals all wounds. Thanks I will forever bite the bullet. I have read the books and now embarking on therapy to learn to live without a relationship again. This may sound defeatist but unfortunately like you I do not love myself enough to allow someone to cause me that much pain, therefore I will avoid another relationship altogether. The catastrophic pain these people leave behind is immense. It may be defeatist to be emotionally unavailable myself -I have to keep myself safe. Besides, who on earth would want someone who hates herself? Your need of self-love and self-protection is understandable after being in an abusive relationship. Do not give up hope. There is the real possibility of having a healthy relationship. First have one with yourself. Go to a 12-Step group — Al-Anon or Coda. Whether or not you are depends on a number of things. You can decide for yourself taking some quizzes in Chapter 4 of. He may have given you the STD unwittingly and you must be outraged anyway. However, it would be worthwhile to go to couples counseling to uncover why he had the affair and to repair your marriage. Met a man online 6 yrs ago on a popular dating site on the first day I signed up. Hit it off right away. He was incredibly attentive and took such good care of me. I was his world. Fast forward 6 years…. He was somewhat of a chameleon in that he became what he needed to be for a situation. We did things throughout the years that I thought he enjoyed, finding out later that he just did them for me. Overreacted when I showed even the most simple signs of independence, such as going out with friends. As the relationship went on more information his past came out. Married twice, has lived with around 9 women he is 50 and with the exception of his marriages the longest relationship he had was around 2 years and also with the exception of ours. He is a functioning alcoholic, has anxiety issues, tobacco abuse, and plays the victim role. He has no relationship with his mother or sister. The reason that I am contributing to this blog is that I have concerns about my participation in this. I think I am of average intelligence, and I will accept the fact that if I followed my instinct I would have never gotten into the relationship. And I stayed in it for six years. I tried to work on and encourage him to see the person I saw under all of the disfunction. It has been almost a year since I ended the relationship and I still miss him and love him. Why am I having such a hard time moving on with my life when I am so clearly able to see how unhealthy it was? Do I have co-dependency issues also? I struggle with self esteem to the degree that most people do, I know I am not perfect, but I have positive attributes. So why am I still so emotional about the whole thing? Hello Darlene, I have been married for 20 years and have just moved out two weeks ago. I feel he is controlling; my counselor thinks he is verbally abusive. I have given up every friend and hobby to try and prove he is important to me, but nothing seems to be enough. I felt so lost I moved out two weeks ago. Thank you Dear Darlene, Thank-you for taking the time to create such a helpful website and to actually answer questions that are posted. This is my situation. I have been married to my husband for 11 years and in relationship with him for 17 years. We have a lot of fun together and share a good many interests, however, we cannot solve problems or resolve conflicts. Through the years our fighting has caused both of us to deeply question whether we should stay together- it is that destructive and toxic. We are now separated and living in different states. My husband is seeing a psychologist and has self identified as being passive-agressive, and has told me that I am co-dependent. I told him that I would explore that possibility-hence here I am. I definitely want to assume responsibility for what is mine, however I am having some difficulty discerning what really is mine and what he is projecting onto me given his own way of being, and perceptions. Is it best for me to completely focus on my own personal work, and not think about things in the context of the relationship or can this only be sorted out if we see a therapist together? He is in a graduate program and has very limited time to devote to our relationship. You simply put have been blessed with a gift from God to be capable of getting this most valuable, needed information out to the world. Pretty easy to understand. I plan on implimenting into my life. I became aware that I am codependently addicted in 2003. Instead they continue to blame and point fingers. May God bless you richly for your work, and continue to strengthen you in recovery. One Day At A Time! They can learn by example and compassionate correction. When I took my kids to Alateen, they went in fighting with each other and came out in good moods with their self-esteem a bit higher. Read chapter 2 of about children and shame and how codependency starts. Long story short, abandonment, abuse, and neglect. Emotionally unavailable mother and father and bullied as a kid. I am fully aware of my issues regarding codependency, toxic shame, avoidance of intimacy LOL the list is long. I used to run anytime the stagnation started and I had to feel my feelings, but i dont anymore, I sit and feel them and am quite uncomfortable. My question is, I am in the most healthy relationship of my life, he is his own person and knows ALL my issues and sticks by me no matter what. He gives me al the space for growth which I have been over the last few years painfully LOL. Is it possible to heal co-dependency with a loving and understanding partner, or is it something I need to do on my own. The pain somedays is unbearable and I wonder sometimes if it will get any easier. I have your book and have skimmed through it it looks very helpful , but I have to admit I have a hard time pulling myself away from the computer, finding so many interesting articles to read. Sometimes that is hard to face. I have recently started attending the 12 step Co-dependency meetings. After my first meeting I realized i am definitely co-dependent. Then, I decided to show the step program to my girlfriend because I thought that she would also benefit from the Program. My question is; do you think its unhealthy for both of us to go together to the meetings? You may find you or she are inhibited to say some things, which would defeat the purpose. Revealing some truths at the meeting may give you either a new perspective or the courage to share them with your girlfriend or she with you. Reading this, I realize that I am in the high spectrum of codependency. It caused enormous insecurities. I know I have issues now and it causes a lot of friction and chaos with my husband of 15 years who has the patience and understanding of an angel Thank goodness. Everything you described here is me; Unfortunately. Lancer: Thank you for a great article. I have been enabling an ex-girlfriend for 18 month by paying all her bills, letting her live in one of my condos, and giving her a monthly living allowance. In the interim, she quit her job when she moved in, spends her days drinking enormous amounts of vodka, watches TV, and purports to parent her 2 teenage daughters. I guess partly guilt about what happens to her when she hits the street and about what would happen to her girls. The girls have a great responsible dad and living with him beats living with an alcoholic mom who drinks from dawn to bedtime. Thanks for a great site. Chas Thanks for the article Darlene. I wanted to ask what is the connection between toxic shame and emotional abandonment? I became dependent and honestly I fear to face life on my own. So pain, rejection sense is horrible, also sexual envy comes in. Emotional abandonment leads to shame. You may have had specific sexual trauma, too. Emotional abandonment also leads to codependency. I take care of my wife from pillar to post. She has proven unable to for many years. It is always something… always the next thing, or reason she cannot. I have tried every tactic I can think of to help her. We have split up several times in the past, and she does not thrive. I realize I have some of the blame here, I just am trying to narrow it down. Thanks in advance for any reply. She and only she can take responsibility for herself. I explain this tactic and the difference between kindness and caretaking in detail in Codependency for Dummies. We are responsible to our partners, but not for them. Many of my other blogs may be helpful to you. I was with an ex for nearly two years, one of each we were broken off officially. However, the last year I kept going back even though I had a feeling he has moved on. I was in denial all those time thinking what we shared which was great the first few months- until he relapsed into addiction, all of which I stayed throughout. In the end I still felt mistreated and emotionally abused. Like everything was my fault and I deserved it. I can see that he is all wrong for me and how he treats me. And yet I kept picking up and opening up the door each and every time he comes knocking in the middle of the night. I ask myself why? I hate it each time he leaves but I feel helpless and vulnerable. Stumbling on your website in the early hours of Saturday morning unable to sleep, all my questions were answered and understanding that I fall on the category of codependent gives me a sense of realization and a direction on what I need to do. Relationships can be like an addiction. I urge you to begin the journey of healing. Doing the exercises in my books, seeing a counselor or going to a 12-Step meeting are all part of that. Change will happen, but it take attention and effort. My coming book, Conquering Shame and Codependency, is right on point with your issue — how shame and low self-esteem affect relationships. Best wishes to you. This is all on target. Thankfully one of the 12 Step programs Adult Children of Alcoholics, CoDependents Anonymous CoDA or Al-Anon can help address these symptoms and their effects on a life. It is not necessary to have had a substance abuser in the family to have success with these programs because they address the dysfunction symptoms not the substances. Leave a Reply Your email address will not be published.

This is a good option for people who want to learn about define codependent behavior versus codependent thought patterns and behaviors. Sometimes that is hard to face. I am not codependent for having been married to an addict. I was very upset with myself and situation but glad to go for it and went to a CoDA meeting. Giving all I could to make my wife feel wanted and loved, working long hours to provide a way of life she was accustomed to, damaging my work reputation to make her feel as important as she was to me. It too involves loss of some kind. Retrieved 5 December 2014. Determine if you have feelings caused by codependency.